Thursday, 2 June 2016

The Big Jump

Ava bursts out of the tight cocoon of her dress into a butterfly, flying off the wharf into the water, creating a whitewash wave. I wish I could be like that.
Another girl surfaces to the front of the wharf, a bit younger than Ava and I, her face wrinkled like she's been in the water for too long. The way she trembles send aftershocks all throughout my body. What it would be like if I ever jump of the wharf?
She starts to whimper, petrified, her face chalky white. All she can do is look, eyes glued to the water. I can't imagine her jumping.

Everyone tries to coax her, talking about how they will jump with her, reassuring her, but she still trembles. I've nearly lost hope. 
She starts to shake her head as she limps off, her teeth jittering. 
Edmund, Paris and I just carry on in our boat, bobbing off into the distance. I can only glance at her now. She has put me off, I could never do that.




In this piece of writing I was learning to put punctuation in the right places such as instead of using words like and, replacing them with either commas or full stops to make the writing more effective.
I think I did pretty well but I think I still need to work on making sure it sounds right and an example of me using punctuation is “Ava bursts out of the tight cocoon of her dress into a butterfly, flying off the wharf into the water, creating a whitewash wave.” At first this had a lot of unpunctuated words.
My next steps are to keep working on this goal because it's still not quite right. I feel like I'm doing some things right using punctuation but some bits aren't sounding right.


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